I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
