How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
