Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize