if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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