She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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