You kept calling me your small dog last night.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
