I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
