you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
