Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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