My brain says no but my pants say off.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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