I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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