My girlfriend figured out who you are.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
