I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
