Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
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