We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Maybe he injected his testicle?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
