the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
