So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
