just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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