Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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