News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize
