I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
