it was like his penis was on wheels.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
