So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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