Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Green mimosas i think yes
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
