my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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