Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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