Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
