i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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