I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
