I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
