I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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