When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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