I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
