We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
