So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
