I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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