Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
