Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
