Soap is not a condiment
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
