My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
