I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
