So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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