My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
