Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
