OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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