My nipple is on Facebook.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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