Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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