I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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