got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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