i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
