I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
