If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
