I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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