Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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