my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
