All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
