Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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