I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
