A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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