I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
