I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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