matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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