were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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